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| Sitting across from your front porch.
From my position, I anticipated defeat and I spoke low and sure. I saw the air rolling from beneath the crack of the door, light peeking through in its precarious way, reminded me of the way I can feel your eyes on me when its dark out or the feeling I get when I can't find it in me to tell you the truth. I watch the stars, fickle in the silver sliver of moon, thankful for the cover, feeling the rose coming into the apples of my cheeks, feeling the cold air pinprick my arms and the nape of my neck. You ask me where I've been and I throw my head back as if to motion to the tangles in my hair, as if to tell you what you're thinking about hearing. I can't find it in me to lie, I can't see the motion of our paradox as it shifts ever-so-slightly, and as I squeeze down that last swallow, I shoot you some sideways glance.
I was always there to talk you down or lead you to warmer conclusions, unwind the pressures of daily existence, sweep you up and keep you dustless. And you were a part of my daily bread, my regular routine, my favorite pair of jeans. We would ruin the landscape hand-in-hand, seldom concerned about what we were losing or where we tread, seldom concerned about how the sky looks in the morning, only how it dappled your salted skin. I made home in the billowing folds of your sheet-less bed, on the arching cliff of your effort-dampened brow, in the ambiance that you spread when you enter a room. I found solace in challenging God, comfort in having you beside me day-in and day-out, comfort in showing the world how to introduce us now as this driving force since we'd found each other.
Since the third week of June, I've been seeing the world explode into chaos. It makes me think that the world's condition reflects my own. Kind of like that movie that says it rains when you're sad to a girl. It makes me picture some intricate project ruined by one pin out of place and you're my pin whose place is home. I can wait, wait, wait. I spend my life waiting, that's what I friend said to me regarding our wait that leads to inevitable activities. I suppose if you've been around, you'd know. Maybe people already know. At this point, it doesn't matter....
I miss everyone..............................................
Avi.
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| Why?
It's because I've spent well over the past year in your wake, drinking in your sunshine and wiping the remains from my lips with my sleeve. It's because I know that you would give your hand to me before anyone else in the world. It's because it seems like an eternity ago that they took you away from me and because nothing is the same now and it never will be again. It's because six-months-from-now, we'll be different contextually as well as quite literally and it awfully scares me. It's because I found something sustaining and it was stolen from me. It's because I could have said something to quiet the situation so maybe it wouldn't have gotten this bad and it's because I can't look back and regret. It's because I love you so much that I can't sleep at night because I can imagine your condition and it tears at my heart when I close my eyes. It's because we all knew better and we're still in this position. It's because I have no idea how to handle myself without your concentric influence. It's because the circles beneath my eyes are darker and I know yours are, too, and we don't know what to do but wait and see what happens, hoping for the best, love tearing at every seam until we fall apart. It's because my soul is empty without you to fill it up. Because my waters have been muddied, because I can't look into the mirror without choking up, because I miss you, I miss you, I'm missing you from my life and it's excruciating. It's because we're birds, I am one because you are one. It's because I can't imagine anything else, because I'm aching for your light in my life, a droplet of sincerity and a second chance that we take off running. It's because you are my constant where everything is temporary and I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. Because you're the power within me to look alive and keep my chin up........ Because I shrug my shoulders low and think about how much I need you......
It's because I don't want a sad boy, I don't want a bad boy, I don't want a good boy, I want you. I want you, baby, you, you, you..
My heart is killing me........
avi.
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| Curtain Call...... Um. I'm drowning..........................
All I have to do is be strong enough for the both of us.
All I have to do is hold my head up, just enough.
I'm gutted.
Avi. | | |
| Instigation factorization. In the morning, I catch a breeze under my chin, I get that feeling again. I get that feeling like I need to leave and by leave, I mean change and by change, I mean live. And the evening creeps through, I catch a glimpse of the twilight before I remember why I sleep all day and the wind sweeps through. There are blackbirds perched acrown a man-made fountain and I'm faced with more options than ever. Because I haven't been keeping my life so well-swept, it's becoming clearer to me what has to be done but it is no accomplishment. I haven't been so sure of my own intentions and it gets the best of a girl, I'm telling you. I have an uncanny distaste for stagnancy and yet, it laps up on my shores and it begs so many questions that I confuse the outcome with an insufficient answer. I say, "It's more complicated than that." But is it? And everyone tells me not to cry, tells me firmly not to cry so I don't until I have to and then it doesn't stop. And they tell me I have no good reason but what do they know? All I know is this can't continue on, it could borderline dangerous any one of these days but we still do it and I like it but there is an end and I know it sleeps with someone who has a better plan and a sweeter taste for me. All I know is this is destructive and maybe it's worse than I'm willing to admit. But when I take a closer look, I justify by circumstances which cover for my worry. I was reading about a sparkler between noses and it sounds familiar and when will it burn out? Or is this one of those that sticks around for the inconvenient as well as the convenient, one of those deeper things that holds on for dear death? I roll it around on my tongue. Same thing which I hold because it keeps me in better company than when I speak up sometimes. Which leaves me in an uncomfortable position that shifts to my favor when I think about it. This has been some crazy ride and everyone asks me why I'm now adrift, they say, are you happy? and I repeat what I do to keep from revealing cracking foundations. I suppose it's a better thing that I've learned not to provoke hijinx until I'm surrounded by something that's falling down and down and down unto ruins. Damn, I feel so rusty. Avi <3 edit; Oh yea, I remember writing.............. I want this summer to feel like past summers. Lately, I've been overwhelmed with the need to venture off in the wee hours of the morning with people close to my heart, or people I hope to give that position. I think it's because I'm reminded of how many and how much people took care of me in North Carolina... There wasn't a weekend that could pass without some kind of misadventure, the beach, the river, these places that held such significance to me and here I am, in this huge city with all of my options and instead, I'm in my back yard with a Black & Mild, wishing it were a blunt. Instead, I'm leaving my boyfriend's house at midnight with a cloud of smoke in my wake and the notion of somewhere to go for a taste. Instead, it's past 2am and I'm awake, wondering why I can't make up my mind... ever. I feel the need to go out and forge relationships that only 2am conversations can sanction and strengthen, calling people who take on that image for me, not knowing what to expect. I suppose I'm feeling ill of being illusory for everyone. I suppose I'm feeling ill of having a hundred acquaintances and no one to call when I'm falling apart, thus I avoid it. Times like tonight, Kianna should be here, Marissa should be here, Adam should be here, I should have those places of convergence and instead, I have my ghosts because God knows that everything is different now........................................ xo. | | |
| In the Face of What We Know . I'm sitting in this chair in a house that's not mine with a straw in my mouth and a head that doesn't spawn dreams anymore. I'd say I imagine it's because of this but I hardly imagine anything. The best comes out when the worst is resting and I find my footing with ideas I can't say are original. A second voice, a kiss on my forehead and my feet on the cold, cold tile. When I stand, I'm dizzy, I can't see anything, I hold on to the closest item to me, I rest my forehead on the refrigerator for comfort. My head recuperates and my vision restores, I look over at him, "It happened again." And I take a seat. I hear the lighter, I see smoke, I wait, I inhale. I kiss his lips, they're sometimes ruby and I lean my head back against the wall. I think of sand, I think of the East and I close my eyes again. I think of my parents. I think of you. I think of everyone who cares about me. I think of high cheek bones and flushed faces and of rushing, of red, of black, of blue. I exhale. It continues, I mean, every single day. But there's no struggle, I'll say it. I have so many things to do instead of write. I always wish I had more time... Time, time time. Timing has always been my thing... remember? Anyone? hm. Avi. <3 | | |
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