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Lets see if I can find an adequate place to begin...
My unhappiness lies at the foot of everything that I tell myself day-in and day-out that I won't tolerate. This stems from the diffusing opposition of my principles and my actions; my waning ability to differentiate between what I stand for and everything--all the trivial, mindless, BULLSHIT that I fall for.
Have to get ready for class, I ran out of time. time time time.
edit.
I left my house feeling so uncertain and when I got to school, I began to take it out on the notebooks that, I've noticed, seem to contain more prose than notes these days. I'm still no less shaken. xo
Avi.
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It almost frightens me to admit how unhappy I have found myself, of late. I haven't seen or touched my love in four months and eleven days. That's one-hundred and thirty-three days completely. I wish I could believe the toll its taken on me. I hate to admit it. Admitting that you're unhappy is a terribly troubling thing, I'm not sure if you know. Admitting that you're unhappy makes it true. I'm speaking in whole terms, as in that fact that I'm not unhappy for a few days or weeks at a time, I'm unhappy every day, every hour, every week. I'm unhappy with most everything in my life, it isn't fulfilling to every degree and I'm exhausted and I have no capacity to suffer fools gladly. My patience is shot and faith in everything but you has been obliterated. I hate to talk like this. I hate to say hate. I hate to feel as if I have nothing but my love to believe in. On that account, I've never been more gracious and thankful to have at least something as true as my love to believe in, especially when everything else has proven temporary and untrue. For a while, I thought I felt home. But its true that I can't find home without you because you're all I know, all I want, all I have left to nourish since my foundations are shaken and the support in my life abominated.
I don't mean to sound like this. I want to go into deeper detail but perhaps I'll save it for a rainy day. To tell you the truth, all I do is count the days. To tell you the truth, I bear no debt to my blood and I'm exempt from allowing all of these disappointments to bring me entirely down. I'm glad to have you, lucky to keep you, fortunate to be endowed with a readiness to wait with my heart open and unfrayed for you. Because right now, in the grimmest of states, you are all I have left.
Love and Light,
Avi.
xo xo
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So, I finally wrote your letter and I will never be satisfied with it. So, I'm just going to send it as soon as I can because otherwise, I'll never finish it. Oh, December, December, never comes as quickly as I'd like it to. I can wait for Christmas, I can wait for my birthday, one thing I can't wait for is your arrival date. Right now, I count the months in my head daily. Within a few months, I'll be counting the days. And I may be in Mexico by the 18th, but I'll be home so soon after then, just dying to kiss your lips, feel your skin.
I hate this.
I always want to cry now.
xo.
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From my position, I anticipated defeat and I spoke low and sure. I saw the air rolling from beneath the crack of the door, light peeking through in its precarious way, reminded me of the way I can feel your eyes on me when its dark out or the feeling I get when I can't find it in me to tell you the truth. I watch the stars, fickle in the silver sliver of moon, thankful for the cover, feeling the rose coming into the apples of my cheeks, feeling the cold air pinprick my arms and the nape of my neck. You ask me where I've been and I throw my head back as if to motion to the tangles in my hair, as if to tell you what you're thinking about hearing. I can't find it in me to lie, I can't see the motion of our paradox as it shifts ever-so-slightly, and as I squeeze down that last swallow, I shoot you some sideways glance.
I was always there to talk you down or lead you to warmer conclusions, unwind the pressures of daily existence, sweep you up and keep you dustless. And you were a part of my daily bread, my regular routine, my favorite pair of jeans. We would ruin the landscape hand-in-hand, seldom concerned about what we were losing or where we tread, seldom concerned about how the sky looks in the morning, only how it dappled your salted skin. I made home in the billowing folds of your sheet-less bed, on the arching cliff of your effort-dampened brow, in the ambiance that you spread when you enter a room. I found solace in challenging God, comfort in having you beside me day-in and day-out, comfort in showing the world how to introduce us now as this driving force since we'd found each other.
Since the third week of June, I've been seeing the world explode into chaos. It makes me think that the world's condition reflects my own. Kind of like that movie that says it rains when you're sad to a girl. It makes me picture some intricate project ruined by one pin out of place and you're my pin whose place is home. I can wait, wait, wait. I spend my life waiting, that's what I friend said to me regarding our wait that leads to inevitable activities. I suppose if you've been around, you'd know. Maybe people already know. At this point, it doesn't matter....
I miss everyone..............................................
Avi.
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It's because I've spent well over the past year in your wake, drinking in your sunshine and wiping the remains from my lips with my sleeve. It's because I know that you would give your hand to me before anyone else in the world. It's because it seems like an eternity ago that they took you away from me and because nothing is the same now and it never will be again. It's because six-months-from-now, we'll be different contextually as well as quite literally and it awfully scares me. It's because I found something sustaining and it was stolen from me. It's because I could have said something to quiet the situation so maybe it wouldn't have gotten this bad and it's because I can't look back and regret. It's because I love you so much that I can't sleep at night because I can imagine your condition and it tears at my heart when I close my eyes. It's because we all knew better and we're still in this position. It's because I have no idea how to handle myself without your concentric influence. It's because the circles beneath my eyes are darker and I know yours are, too, and we don't know what to do but wait and see what happens, hoping for the best, love tearing at every seam until we fall apart. It's because my soul is empty without you to fill it up. Because my waters have been muddied, because I can't look into the mirror without choking up, because I miss you, I miss you, I'm missing you from my life and it's excruciating. It's because we're birds, I am one because you are one. It's because I can't imagine anything else, because I'm aching for your light in my life, a droplet of sincerity and a second chance that we take off running. It's because you are my constant where everything is temporary and I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. Because you're the power within me to look alive and keep my chin up........ Because I shrug my shoulders low and think about how much I need you......
It's because I don't want a sad boy, I don't want a bad boy, I don't want a good boy, I want you. I want you, baby, you, you, you..
My heart is killing me........
avi.
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